Steven Flannes, Ph.D., of Flannes Associates has a great white paper posted that gives us a multi dimensional view of the angry client.
Flannes shows several ANGER "BEHAVIOR STYLES" and them offers tips on how to handle each one:
THE AGGRESSIVE-CRITICAL CLIENT
When you encounter a client displaying aggressive-critical behavior, you will notice the following:
When encountering this type of client, consider this list of things NOT to do:
· Do not expect that this person will be able to show empathy for you
· Do not appeal to their sense of fair play
· As much as possible, do not take their behavior personally. Assume that others also
receive this form of treatment
Instead, try these approaches:
· Try to contain the flow of their aggression by clarifying a very specific goal or agenda for
each discussion with this person. For example, if on the receiving end of their free flowing
aggression and criticism, actively insert a statement like this early in the conversation:
"Mike, I hear your dissatisfaction with the work product. However, what tangible steps can
we focus on RIGHT NOW that will help address your concerns?"
· Make a conscious decision, in the moment, about whether you want to respond in an
"active' posture (as illustrated above) or in a "passive" posture. A passive posture, which
can also be very effective in certain situations, is to just allow the aggressive-critical
person to blow off steam, assuming that once they get their anger out, they will become
more rational and will be able to focus on specific actions steps.
· Develop competence, and therefore a reputation, for being good at using active or
passive approaches with the aggressive-critical client. Your having competence in both
approaches allows you to feel more empowered, while also serving the goal of keeping
this type of person off guard, which helps alter the dynamics between the two of you
when you employ different responses.
THE PASSIVE-WITHHOLDING CLIENT
When encountering this type of behavior, do NOT do the following:
· Do not confront the person directly about their behavior, implying that you know they
must be angry because you see them doing x, y, and z. Confrontation usually increases
this type of passive behavior.
· Do not assume that this behavior will just go away; it's often reflective of an ongoing
personal style.
Instead, try these approaches when dealing with this situation:
· Help the client review what is realistic for them in terms of their behavior or commitments
("Kevin, you mentioned you could get the information to me by Friday. Would it be more
reasonable for us to assume that next week might be a more realistic time frame for
you.")
· Arbitrarily assume a “fudge factor” when dealing with this person's commitment to
deadlines ("I will automatically add three days to Kevin's stated timeline so I won't naively
be waiting for things to be delivered as promised").
· Work to develop "backdoor" sources of information and assistance that you can access
when you are working with someone with this form of passive anger.
THE WOUNDED-INSECURE CLIENT
The wounded-insecure client is a person who, for whatever reason, has a current or ongoing poor
self-concept...Often, the anger that you receive from this type of client is a manifestation of their fears about being
discovered as inadequate.
To reduce your chances of receiving anger from this client:
· Find ways to let them know you are on their side
· Comment on their successes when you become aware of them
· Avoid sharing many of your successes unless asked
· When possible, let them feel they created the solution, even when you know you have
been the key contributor
THE TRIANGULATING CLIENT
An angry client can also express his or her anger through “triangulation.” This is a process in
which anger is expressed indirectly. Rather than the client being direct with you about the anger,
he or she shares it with a third party (their manager, or your manager, or another stakeholder)
with the hope of putting indirect pressure on you to take a certain action or possibly as a means
of damaging your credibility and reputation.
As a rule of thumb, the triangulating client tends to be someone who is indirect and has trouble
with situations involving conflict. Hence, they distance themselves from the target of their anger
(in this case, you!) by passing the anger through a third party, whom they hope will get the
message to you. In extreme, this triangulation behavior can be very manipulative.
The most successful strategy for working with a triangulating client who is not direct with his or
her anger involves:
· Your frequently checking in with them to sample their satisfaction/dissatisfaction on your
work product
· Use open-ended questions (such as “Karen, can you describe what you’re liking about
the work to date, as well as what areas need attention?”)
· Avoid closed ended questions (“Karen, are things going well on the project?”) because it
is too easy for the triangulator (who by definition tends to be indirect) to answer with
evasive answers in order to avoid possible conflict
Presented below is an overview of these four angry styles, plus suggestions for what you can do
to address the angry behavior and increase your productivity.
There is a more detail in the paper. If you have a lot of angry clients I recommend reading it.